Letter from a law student

Llumnissa · Jul 29, 2010

So I was looking through old emails and this gave me a laugh. Enjoy!

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters,
We've stuck together since the late 1950s, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know that we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and just will not ever agree on what's right. So let's just end it right now while we can do it on friendly terms. We can smile, shake hands, chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and each go our own way.
So here's a model separation agreement.
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a portion. That's going to be the difficult part, but I'm sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy. Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate taste. We don't like redistributive taxes so you can have those. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. And since you hate guns and you hate war, we'll take the firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. But you are going to be responsible for finding a biodiesel vehicle big enough to haul them around.
We'll keep the capitalism, the greedy corporations, the pharmaceutical companies; we will keep Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have the homeless, the homeboys, the hippies and illegal aliens. We will keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, the greedy CEOs and all of the rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and we'll let you have NBC and Hollywood.
You can be nice to Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer anybody that threatens us. You can have the peaceniks and the war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we will provide them with security. You won't have to worry about it. We will keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley Maclaine. You can also have the UN, but we will no longer pay the bill.
We will keep the SUVs, the pickup trucks and the oversize luxury cars. You can have the compacts, the subcompacts and every Subaru station wagon you can find. You can give everybody healthcare, if you can find any practicing doctors. We will continue to believe that healthcare is a privilege and not a right. We will keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and the national anthem, and I am sure you will be happy to substitute in their place "Imagine," "I'd like to teach the world to sing," "Kumbaya," or "We are the world." We will practice trickle-down economics and you can give trickle-up poverty your best shot. And since it so offends you, we will keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots. And if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the friendly spirit of parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in about 15 years.
Sincerely,
John J Wall
Law student and an American
P.S. You can also have Barbara Streisand and Jane Fonda
Click to expand...

skinofevil · Jul 29, 2010

Absolutely...

Fucking...

Beautiful.

The Original Faceman · Jul 29, 2010

:yawn:

skinofevil · Jul 29, 2010

Amaris · Jul 30, 2010

Llumnissa said: ↑

So I was looking through old emails and this gave me a laugh. Enjoy!

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters,
We've stuck together since the late 1950s, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know that we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and just will not ever agree on what's right. So let's just end it right now while we can do it on friendly terms. We can smile, shake hands, chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and each go our own way.
So here's a model separation agreement.
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a portion. That's going to be the difficult part, but I'm sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy. Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate taste. We don't like redistributive taxes so you can have those. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. And since you hate guns and you hate war, we'll take the firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. But you are going to be responsible for finding a biodiesel vehicle big enough to haul them around.
We'll keep the capitalism, the greedy corporations, the pharmaceutical companies; we will keep Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have the homeless, the homeboys, the hippies and illegal aliens. We will keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, the greedy CEOs and all of the rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and we'll let you have NBC and Hollywood.
You can be nice to Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer anybody that threatens us. You can have the peaceniks and the war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we will provide them with security. You won't have to worry about it. We will keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley Maclaine. You can also have the UN, but we will no longer pay the bill.
We will keep the SUVs, the pickup trucks and the oversize luxury cars. You can have the compacts, the subcompacts and every Subaru station wagon you can find. You can give everybody healthcare, if you can find any practicing doctors. We will continue to believe that healthcare is a privilege and not a right. We will keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and the national anthem, and I am sure you will be happy to substitute in their place "Imagine," "I'd like to teach the world to sing," "Kumbaya," or "We are the world." We will practice trickle-down economics and you can give trickle-up poverty your best shot. And since it so offends you, we will keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots. And if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the friendly spirit of parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in about 15 years.
Sincerely,
John J Wall
Law student and an American
P.S. You can also have Barbara Streisand and Jane Fonda
Click to expand...

Click to expand...

What makes you think you're better than my spam filter?

Llumnissa · Jul 30, 2010

Absolutely nothing. I read it, I enjoyed it, I posted it. If you don't like it, well, I don't care.

14thDoctor · Jul 30, 2010

Dear Red States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We
believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially
to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot
Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You
get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states
pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at
once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have
kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no
purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their
children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and
hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our
resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent
of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)
90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most
of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and
condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale,
Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88
percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care
costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred
unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say
that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved
in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people
with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt
weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States
Click to expand...

Llumnissa · Jul 30, 2010

Touche

Amaris · Jul 30, 2010

Llumnissa said: ↑

Absolutely nothing. I read it, I enjoyed it, I posted it. If you don't like it, well, I don't care.
Click to expand...

Actually, my post was a bit tongue-in-cheek.

skinofevil · Jul 30, 2010

14thDoctor said: ↑

Dear Red States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We
believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially
to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot
Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You
get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states
pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at
once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have
kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no
purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their
children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and
hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our
resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent
of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)
90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most
of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and
condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale,
Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88
percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care
costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred
unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say
that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved
in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people
with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt
weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States
Click to expand...

Click to expand...

Of course, being anti-war, they'd be quickly and devastatingly conquered by the Red States.

TheBrew · Jul 30, 2010

skinofevil said: ↑

14thDoctor said: ↑

Dear Red States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We
believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially
to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot
Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You
get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states
pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at
once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have
kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no
purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their
children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and
hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our
resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent
of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)
90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most
of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and
condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale,
Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88
percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care
costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred
unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say
that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved
in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people
with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt
weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States
Click to expand...

Click to expand...

Of course, being anti-war, they'd be quickly and devastatingly conquered by the Red States.
Click to expand...

Which would defeat the purpose of separating in the first place.

brudder1967 · Jul 30, 2010

While both letters are meant as a joke, the fact remains that the nation as it stands is ungovernable. No matter who is in office, the other side is going to resent being governed by them. So why not have an amicable divorce and let both sides be happy.

skinofevil · Jul 30, 2010

TheBrew said: ↑

skinofevil said: ↑

Of course, being anti-war, they'd be quickly and devastatingly conquered by the Red States.
Click to expand...

Which would defeat the purpose of separating in the first place.
Click to expand...

Not if they're really well subjugated, which is what they want the government to do to them already. Hell, it'd be their dream come true.

TheBrew · Jul 30, 2010

skinofevil said: ↑

TheBrew said: ↑

skinofevil said: ↑

Of course, being anti-war, they'd be quickly and devastatingly conquered by the Red States.
Click to expand...

Which would defeat the purpose of separating in the first place.
Click to expand...

Not if they're really well subjugated, which is what they want the government to do to them already. Hell, it'd be their dream come true.
Click to expand...

Can I get apostle to whip me in assless chaps?

Uncle Albert · Jul 30, 2010

So, I either get bibles and "Judeo-Christian values" ( ), or I have to live with the hardcore liberals? What the fuck kind of choice is that? I reject those options.

Demiurge · Jul 30, 2010

I particularly like the fact that 57.23% of the stats in the 2nd piece were drawn directly from the writer's ass.

Ward · Jul 30, 2010

Demiurge said: ↑

I particularly like the fact that 57.23% of the stats in the 2nd piece were drawn directly from the writer's ass.
Click to expand...

100% of me is amazed you bothered reading that far.

TheBrew · Jul 30, 2010

Demiurge said: ↑

I particularly like the fact that 57.23% of the stats in the 2nd piece were drawn directly from the writer's ass.
Click to expand...

I'm 88.2% sure that I see what you did there.

Black Dove · Jul 30, 2010

Personally, you can have both the Bible-thumping, war-mongering greedy capitalists AND the socialist, peace-loving, enviromentalist hippies and kindly...

....leave me the fuck alone!

The lunatic extremes of both sides have done their fair share of fucking up this country over the last few decades, and they can all fuck off and die as far as I'm concerned.

Ward · Jul 30, 2010

^ Yeah. Both of those guys have really screwed up the country.

RickDeckard · Jul 30, 2010

Uncle Albert said: ↑

So, I either get bibles and "Judeo-Christian values" ( ), or I have to live with the hardcore liberals? What the fuck kind of choice is that? I reject those options.

Click to expand...

Maybe you can have your own microstate in the middle. On the upside, you'll be able to smoke pot legally. On the downside, if you ever venture outside your front gate, you'll be shot for being an illegal immigrant.

Jenee · Jul 30, 2010

What you guys are not realizing is that the politicians aren't pulling this country apart. It's the pundits and talk show hosts who get paid to rile people up.

If you could turn off the tv or radio for 10 minutes and actually listen to someone with an opposing viewpoint, you'd find we all have much more in common than we don't.

But, then, how on Earth will on political party beat the other one if the masses aren't chomping at the bit?

Volpone · Jul 30, 2010

The liberal one amuses me. I get about halfway down it--shortly before the author just starts makin' stuff up--and I'm not seeing any problems with their proposal. Oh, there are some issues. I mean, Washington only wound up a blue state in 2006 through voter fraud. And Oregon is largely blue in Portland and Eugene. But the truly cute idea is that somehow businesses and entrepreneurs and anchored geographically. It's so amusing to see liberals try to understand business.

Ward · Jul 30, 2010

Jenee said: ↑

What you guys are not realizing is that the politicians aren't pulling this country apart. It's the pundits and talk show hosts who get paid to rile people up.

If you could turn off the tv or radio for 10 minutes and actually listen to someone with an opposing viewpoint, you'd find we all have much more in common than we don't.

But, then, how on Earth will on political party beat the other one if the masses aren't chomping at the bit?
Click to expand...

I think you're giving the politicians too much credit here. They're "paid" too rile people up as well. Not as directly but there are plenty of examples to cite where they make their livings off keeping their supporters fired up and on the warpaths against their "evil" opponents. And a lot of times it turns out to be to just distract from their own ineptitude.

Jamey Whistler · Jul 30, 2010

Jenee said: ↑

It's the pundits and talk show hosts who get paid to rile people up.
Click to expand...

Yes.

Jenee said: ↑

What you guys are not realizing is that the politicians aren't pulling this country apart.
Click to expand...

No. Politicians are more divisive now than they have been at any time in our history. They have an equal share in the blame when it comes to shit-stirring.

Order2Chaos · Jul 30, 2010

The notion of your government being determined by your geography instead of whoever earns your loyalty was old 1000 years ago, when the medieval Icelanders got rid of it. It was a pity everyone since has failed to copy their example. I'd hope (if there were even a snowball's chance in hell of it happening), that if the country breaks up, it would be on that model.

skinofevil · Jul 30, 2010

Is it too early for Skin to fire up the parody muscles and do "Rettah Flum A Raw Student"?

Order2Chaos · Jul 30, 2010

I also think both letters are extremely telling, in that neither side is in favor of free trade, and the only reason it's tolerated is because the Constitution prohibits internal tariffs.

Jenee · Jul 30, 2010

Bock said: ↑

Jenee said: ↑

What you guys are not realizing is that the politicians aren't pulling this country apart. It's the pundits and talk show hosts who get paid to rile people up.

If you could turn off the tv or radio for 10 minutes and actually listen to someone with an opposing viewpoint, you'd find we all have much more in common than we don't.

But, then, how on Earth will on political party beat the other one if the masses aren't chomping at the bit?
Click to expand...

I think you're giving the politicians too much credit here. They're "paid" too rile people up as well. Not as directly but there are plenty of examples to cite where they make their livings off keeping their supporters fired up and on the warpaths against their "evil" opponents. And a lot of times it turns out to be to just distract from their own ineptitude.
Click to expand...

That's true. But, once they get in office, they're all the same. The politicians aren't really on different sides, they all have the same goal. The reason they "pretend" to have different ideologies is because as long as we're fighting each other, we aren't looking close enough at what they are doing.

Uncle Albert · Jul 30, 2010

Jenee agrees: I got your hard core liberal right here.
Click to expand...

Oh do you, now?

Log in or Sign up

Letter from a law student

Llumnissa Stupid people are still stupid....

skinofevil Fresh Meat

The Original Faceman Lasagna Artist

skinofevil Fresh Meat

Amaris Guest

Llumnissa Stupid people are still stupid....

14thDoctor Oi

Llumnissa Stupid people are still stupid....

Amaris Guest

skinofevil Fresh Meat

TheBrew The Hand of Smod

brudder1967 this is who we are

skinofevil Fresh Meat

TheBrew The Hand of Smod

Uncle Albert Part beard. Part machine.

Demiurge Goodbye and Hello, as always.

Ward A Stepford Husband

TheBrew The Hand of Smod

Black Dove Mildly Offensive

Ward A Stepford Husband

RickDeckard Socialist

Jenee Driver 8

Volpone Zombie Hunter

Ward A Stepford Husband

Jamey Whistler Éminence grise

Order2Chaos Ultimate... Immortal Administrator

skinofevil Fresh Meat

Order2Chaos Ultimate... Immortal Administrator

Jenee Driver 8

Uncle Albert Part beard. Part machine.

Log in or Sign up

Letter from a law student

Llumnissa Stupid people are still stupid....

skinofevil Fresh Meat

The Original Faceman Lasagna Artist

skinofevil Fresh Meat

Amaris Guest

Llumnissa Stupid people are still stupid....

14thDoctor Oi

Llumnissa Stupid people are still stupid....

Amaris Guest

skinofevil Fresh Meat

TheBrew The Hand of Smod

brudder1967 this is who we are

skinofevil Fresh Meat

TheBrew The Hand of Smod

Uncle Albert Part beard. Part machine.

Demiurge Goodbye and Hello, as always.

Ward A Stepford Husband

TheBrew The Hand of Smod

Black Dove Mildly Offensive

Ward A Stepford Husband

RickDeckard Socialist

Jenee Driver 8

Volpone Zombie Hunter

Ward A Stepford Husband

Jamey Whistler Éminence grise

Order2Chaos Ultimate... Immortal Administrator

skinofevil Fresh Meat

Order2Chaos Ultimate... Immortal Administrator

Jenee Driver 8

Uncle Albert Part beard. Part machine.

Useful Searches