Here are the first few scenes from a screenplay I've worked and re-worked for quite a while. It's still a work in progress, but I have enough elements in place I can start putting it out. It's a TOS reboot (although one that adheres to established canon as far as I can ascertain--it's full of continuity porn to boot!). As with all screenplays, you'll have to imagine settings, actor movements, etc.--I've tried to keep the description and stage direction to a minimum! Comments, criticisms, etc. invited! More coming at irregular intervals!
The scene in this section with the aliens still needs a lot of work--it's a lot of exposition to cover in such a short scene. edit: Added a reference to Pike's "sudden" transfer--covers PGT's objection that Scotty would know the name of the new captain.
Not bad. Two things, an I'll shut up. Three, actually. The word 'diagnostic' should not appear anywhere in your screenplay. Neither should the word 'Archer'. And Pike was a Fleet Captain after commanding the Enterprise, IIRC. I could be wrong on that- maybe he was a fleet captain while commanding her, but wasn't he still addressed as 'captain' in the TOS episode 'Court Martial'?
Throughout the screenplay, I've upped the technology level a little bit. Some things that seemed futuristic in TOS now seem somewhat passe. You'll notice I have holographic images. Although some of the other technological advancments will seem anachronistic--I have a scene where I would really, REALLY like to use the TNG-style forcefields in the shuttle bay, but I'll probably resist--at least you can rest assured that there are no holodecks in the story! Some things--like the word "diagnostic" and the forthcoming change of command ceremony--I have blatantly stolen from TNG simply because they make good sense and the canon does not preclude them. I know, I know. But ST:E is a part of the canon; and I'd like to acknowledge that without being too offensive to those who would rather blot it out. Still, I'll take it under advisement. (Obviously, my subtle attempt was not subtle enough.) Great point. I don't know where I got commodore from. I'll adjust appropriately. Thanks!
My copy of "The Star Trek Encyclopedia" says (under the topic "Pike, Christopher"): "(Pike) relinquished command of (the Enterprise) to James Kirk in 2263, at which time Pike was promoted to fleet captain." The topic for "The Menagerie" refers to Pike as a captain (although there was also a different commodore--Jose Mendez--in that episode).
Type "Commodore Pike", into Google, you get results, and they're from "The menagerie". Don't make me pop in the tape, cuz I will.
Here comes a very dark turn. And I'm open to more creative suggestions to introduce the crew--bearing in mind that Piper and Kelso were the original officers. I don't like the receiving line cliche, but it seems pretty expedient given that--I think--we actually want to see the transfer of command. Yes, I know Kelso was the helmsman (not the navigator), but I've already got enough trouble getting Chekov into the action. I don't want to explain Sulu, too. Trust me. (And just pretend Kelso and Sulu changed to other jobs before "Where No Man Has Gone Before.") By the way, when I wrote this, I imagined Tommy Lee Jones as Prewitt and John Mahoney (the dad from Frasier) as MacKenzie.
As for Archer being canon, it can be assumed that even before the Borg reboot from First Contact that caused the first Warp 5 ship to be named Enterprise rather than Discovery, Archer would still have been CO.
It's a little chatty early on, but the basic "origin" story needs to be told. And I've got a whole lot of exposition because the story is topical. A whole lotta violence will shortly ensue.
regarding Archer.... I think it's fine to find a wqay to mention someone or more from that crew....but don't call Archer a "cowboy" Clearly he wasn't. Might be more clever if while the one guy is listing cowboys, Nagura offers Archer's name as a counterpoint and the other guy has to say "the exception that proves the rule" or some such.
Actually, you're right. But I thought 100 years or so might've boosted his reputation in Davy Crockettesque fashion. And, actually, we don't know how he turned out as his mission ended rather abruptly. I suspect Storm and Marso would be even less pleased with that, since it calls even greater attention to the accursed name...
Not sure a guy as old as Mahoney works for me, but I've always wanted to see TLJ in a Starfleet uni....
It actually was a younger Mahoney I was imagining...think Mahoney from 'The Manhattan Project' or 'Moonstruck.'
edit: Kirk now calls Scotty "Mr. Scott"--the formality better suits the characters at this point. Tip of the hat to Chuck.
And, it's a nice scene but it seems unlikely that Scotty wouldn't know the name of the new Captain of the Enterprise. They'd eat you alive at TBBS for that one....
Nice story so far. Just a nitpick from the bridge scene: Would Kirk be familiar enough with Scotty at this point in their relationship to call him "Scotty" and not "Mr. Scott"?
I had considered that. But I figured I could get away with it since the whole affair was kinda rushed anyhow. Maybe I should give Pike a line about "This promotion to Fleet Captain"--or Commodore ()--"came about suddenly; they haven't even told me who my replacement is." That would easily fit into the Spock/Pike scene. Edit: Added the line in the Pike/Spock scene.
Good point and, the more I think about it, the more I agree. You may have noticed some residual tension between Scotty and Kirk; this is something that's going to be ratcheted up--and be resolved--by the end. (Incidentally, when they meet, Scotty does invite Kirk to call him "Scotty"--but I think the formality of "Mr. Scott" does suit the characters better at this point. Maybe I'll save Kirk calling him Scotty until their little conflict is resolved. Yes...I like that much better. Kirk "earns" the priviledge, as it were.)
Some revisions I'm sure I'll be making to this point: 1. I don't think the Spica diplomatic mission will be part of Kirk's initial assignment. I think it's better for Kirk to get that assignment after the encounter with the raiders. It can flow somewhat organically from the plot because the Enterprise is already "in the area." It will also avoid burdening the audience with too much info too early on. 2. The scene with Palatii and Solicia may need to be broken in half for a couple of reasons: (1) they disappear from the story for too long; and (2) if Kirk gets the call to visit Spica after the raider episode, Solicia's realization that the captain of a starship is visiting--which is an important plot point--cannot come until later. Also, I may introduce the character of Zhuraad--the Spican Emperor--in the second of the two scenes. In the first scene, the conflict between Solicia and Palatii will still be spelled out, but she'll be determined to cause more trouble at the end of the scene. The second scene will be Zhuraad commanding her to refrain from any mischief while the Enterprise visits. The second scene will probably occur between Kirk's scene with the dead in sickbay and the airlock scene; the scene with Chekov will be moved to a slightly later time. Yeah... Neither of these revisions change the story to this point. They just make it flow a little more cleanly. More scenes to follow shortly...
This is an inserted scene introducing Zhuraad and defining the relationship with his wife. It fills in some details that are taken out of the earlier scene between Solicia and Palatii. It's also consistent with Kirk getting the Spica assignment after the raider incident. If you haven't read the story before this post, there will be a small inconsistency (I can't edit old posts to remove the earlier references to Kirk getting the Spica assignment at the beginning); just pretend you don't notice! For reference, this scene goes between the Kirk/Chekov elevator scene and the airlock scene on the Monitor. Spoiler tagged to preserve the flow for anyone reading through. [?=Out of Order Scene] [/?]
