Nice little racheting up of the tension, there. By the way, something I just recalled from yesterday's reading... ...in the early scene of Kirk diving on Risa, why does the many-toothed waterbeast not take a bite outta Kirk??? I know you mention it "sniffing" the water, but frankly the doesn't seem like much of an explanation. I can't imagine the human body putting off enough "alien" pheremones (or whatever) to so quickly dissaude the creature, given the volume of water Kirk is diving in at that point. You need to explain away the lack of attack better, IMO. Does "James" have some gizmo that does the trick for him, or what?
Thanks. Things are about to get a whole lot worse for our heroes... The whole purpose of that scene was to show that Kirk is struggling with fear--notice he hesitates before going into the cave and he's haunted by his "secret" memory once he gets there. (He also soon repeats a line from TFF--"I'm afraid of nothing"--which we know to be untrue.) As for the plausibility of the sniffing: I dunno, sharks have a pretty good sense of smell... The whole episode with the monster is kind of a metaphor for the Enterprise's mission: there are fearsome things roaming the galaxy but, to those who are bold enough to explore, space holds wondrous sights. The monster is a stand-in for both the fearsome and the wondrous--which can be the same thing. This is a bit of a mirror for the later part of the story. It's symbolic and I don't expect everyone to necessarily "get it." Kirk's smile at the end of that scene signifies two things: he's overcome fear and he's seen something wonderful. The monster scene builds a little suspense, then gives the watcher a jolt, and finally surprises you (hopefully!) with a humorous resolution---the monster is not interested in eating Kirk because Kirk has the wrong "smell." Notice the implication with the "harumph" that the monster is somewhat intelligent. There's no need for Kirk to fight the monster at this point. I only want to underscore that Kirk has an explorer's attitude but that fear is a constant barrier for him to overcome. This plays out more in the rest of the story.
I get the whole metaphor thing, but still have trouble setting aside my disbelief in this instance. The creature has done nothing previously to display any sort of intelligence, and a simple "harumph" doesn't cut it in my view. Also, if you're going for Kirk overcoming his fear, you're going to have to rachet it up in the text. I honestly don't see how "Instinct would tell us not to swim in there. The man stares for a moment and then decides to swim into..." translates as fear. C'mon, JTK (young as he may be here) is no mere man, and staring at the cave for a moment does NOT equate to fear for him in the mind of any self-respecting Trek fan. And there is no reference to his reaction upon seeing the beast in all it's many-toother terror, until after the creature has found him unworthy of being eaten, and swum off. Sorry--I know it's probably nitpicking, but I don't think you've accomplished what you want to in that scene as it exists today.
The point is not that the creature is intelligent. The creature reaction is only my (perhaps ineffective) attempt to lighten the situation after a scary jolt. The point is: Kirk overcame fear by going into the cave and he saw two wondrous things: the underwater temple and the monster. The monster he encounters turns out to not be so scary after all. There's the difficulty in writing a screenplay: you can only describe what the camera can film. If this were a novel I might say "Kirk looked into the hole and a shiver went through his body. Every instinct told him to turn around and swim back to the boat." But that can't be filmed. Still, your point is well taken. I will reword the setup so that it is clear he is overcoming fear. Maybe something like: Would that better represent someone overcoming fear? The point is to show that he does have fear. He isn't yet the Kirk we know. And it isn't really the cave that he fears. It's how he will react to the unknown. I do say that he "is frozen." Maybe it would be clearer if I say he's "petrified?" The frozen thing does come up later. It is, after all, Kirk's biggest fear (expressed to Bones at the Warped Core, evident in the raider attack, and, finally, being overcome at the climax). I think the episode with the monster works. Any readers of this thread: what do you think? It's not nitpicking at all. In fact, it's just the kind of feedback I want. On my second draft, I'll try to make the fear more explicit.
I think that expression is actually British navy-speak. Since Scotty is British... Other characters on TNG have used it, so I figured it could reasonably be a common expression. If it's too obtrusive, I'll take it out. I just happen to like that particular expression.
I think the scene with the beastie works as is. Tho perhaps this isn't the best justification, I have seen similar before . . . a situation that the viewer is led to expect might be action and danger winds up with just a bit of comic relief. That Kirk doesn't back down from the critter says things about Kirk's character. Oh, and no Scotsman worthy of his sporran would ever describe himself as "British".
Very good so far... let me guess, the Spicans, at least the Matronites serve as sort of a counterpoint to the Organians? They want a war between the Federation and the Klingons in order to prove that technology is destructive, but at the same time force the Federation to buy more Duranium. [?=Warning: extreme Trek geekiness ahead][?=You have been warned]Also, download the game EV Nova (from ambrosiasw.com) and Google for "Starfleet Adventures Nova" (no quotes) it has a map that could be quite useful to you, as it's been compiled from known star distances and canon within the Star Trek Universe. One thing I noticed immediately is that Spica is a LONG way from Earth, a lot closer to the Romulan Neutral Zone than to the Klingon Empire, and by the late 2270s, a Federation Colony. Xantoras or Barolia might be a bit better being independent systems fairly close to the Klingon border, and as a bonus, they're both fairly close to the Yridia system as well. Sadly, the Thantos system is not particularly nearby. Beta Caeli wouldn't be bad either, as it's also independent, and close to a couple uninhabited systems and the Paulson nebula. If you substitute Barolia for Spica and Xanatos for Thanato(s), it makes perfect sense that Scotty would have the choice between going to Aldebaran (in the opposite direction) and saving Kirk[/?][/?]
I think you're on to something... You might think about a parallel that exists on Earth. As a testament to my own geekiness, I actually own the Star Charts book that came out a few years back. Yes, I'm aware that Spica is on the other side of the Federation from the Klingon Empire and that it is, apparently, a Federation member world...I chose to ignore those details since I don't recall anything in any series that establishes those facts. I originally wanted to have some reference to the Spican Flame Gems (mentioned in the Tribbles episode), but that's gone by the wayside. I may have to revise the script to change the planet. I'll certainly consider the both of those. Damn. I really like the name Spica. I noticed this the other night. My main action is happening not too far from Yridia and involves Yridians. Again, sheer coincidence. Sometimes you just get lucky! I actually didn't get the name Thanato from the charts; I made it up (thanatos being the "death instinct," kind of appropriate for a system with a black hole, I thought). Sheer coincidence that there's a similarly named system in the Trek literature. Do any systems in the neighborhood have black holes? My original name for the system--maybe not too bad--was Epsilon Infernis. Good ideas all around. Although I might want to "make up" some systems in order to give them meaningful names. And, yes, I chose Aldeberan because (1) it's a recognizable star name and (2) it lies between the Klingon border and Earth on the Star Charts--thanks for noticing! For anyone looking for updates: a few more scenes will appear this weekend! We might even get to the climax by Sunday. Stay tuned!
Chekov saying wessel is such a compelling bit of continuity porn, that I may have to sacrifice the dramatic effect of the word battlecruiser to put it in...
Oh, come on! A 100 page screenplay has about as many words as a 15 page short story! It's much less dense! I've gotta have Dickynoo feedback!
Paladin, you're slacking! No news updates in 6 days? Wassamatta, you got a life or something?!? Get writing, mister! I need a fix!
NICE! Obviously, Spock is just playing Prewitt, but when will he turn on him? A nitpick--Kirk launches into the "distinguished career" speech a litle too quickly IMO.
But Spock is not playing Prewitt. At this point, Kirk does not know why Prewitt is doing this. And the audience is probably a little in the dark, too. But the explanation has been set up--I've done it fairly subtly but hopefully sufficiently enough you won't feel like it's coming out of left field when it's fully revealed. Stay tuned!
Well done. You have now gone from the standard fan-fic that any good writer who's familiar with the show can produce (not that it hasn't been a good read) up to the next level that makes it film-worthy - one serious "WTF?!" moment. Now, to seal the deal, you have to extricate yourself from that in a manner that is consistant with the story and the characters. this, BTW, is why I never wrote any fan fiction - If I set up a great delima, I could notget out of it...if I set up one I could get out of, no one would care about it.
