[action=Shepherd]seethes with jealousy that he is incapable of such plotting.[/action] Once you get into the action, the quibbles seem to dry up - at least for me. I'd be hard pressed to suggest how something might be done differently or better. I rather like the idea the Prewitt is aware of, and can describe, his surrender to the Stone....even calmly admit he's doing something he doesn't want to do...and yet not waiver from that purpose. I don't think I've seen mind control handled like that before. and this: That, sir, is pure gold.
Thanks. I cannot take the credit altogether for that as I have real life inspiration which is, of course, not literal but figurative mind control, a form that makes people do horrible, horrible things despite their natural abhorence and/or reluctance. I've been studying symbolism, which this story contains in abundance (something I've tried to duplicate from TOS). If anyone cares to speculate about the REAL meaning of this story, I'll elaborate. If not, enjoy the rest of the story. The conclusion follows in the next couple of days.
Oh. Umm . . . A wee bit Deus ex Machina, isn't it? Having the Marauder turn up at just the right moment? A bit too much having Kirk and Spock narrowly avoid death twice in a couple minutes? Having Mar'Eth turn out to be a Klingon intel guy?
It was there at the beginning of the battle. It was my intention to distract you with the Enterprise/Monitor battle long enough to forget about it. Maybe I did too good a job... Is it? I need that scene for their dialog which resolves their relationship (mirrors earlier Spock/Pike scene), and I think it works better if they think they're going to die. Go ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the way back to Mar'eth's first appearance and read Prewitt's dialog about her. I think everything is properly set up. Hopefully others will chime in...
Can't believe i didn't notice this thread before now, took quite a while to read through. That dialogue feels a little clumsy, both Kirk and Scotty using the word damn almost feels like it's trying to be part of a pun. Say it out loud to yourself and see what I mean. Also, minor critique but in all the discussion of the diving scene at the beginning no-one has addressed that which occured to me. If Kirk has a breather in his mouth and is underwater, how exactly does he smile?
Glad to know it's getting a read. Let me know what you think! I guess "damn" is a bit repetitive there. How about: I actually did think about this and figured the smile would be more conveyed by the eyes than the mouth. Perhaps I should take the reaction out altogether and leave it for the actor/reader to imagine?
Sounds good. You could still leave it in for Scotty, something like "Aye, she's got damn good sensors" since it isn't so much the word that's the problem as the repetition. I hope when this is all done you're going to put together the revised version into a single file to download...I like it and wouldn't mind having it all together.
You betcha. This is only the first (or second) draft. Most of the changes for the final draft have been discussed (moving the Yridian pirate capture to Act II, getting the Spica plotline going earlier, punching up the Spican story a bit, etc.). I'm probably going to change some planet names in order to make things more consistent with the semi-canonical Star Charts--Spica, for instance, is very far from the part of the Federation adacent to the Klingon Empire. The title will also change. Two or three more scenes and that's the end, folks. Hope y'all are enjoying the read!
Okay, a couple of thoughts/opinions.... The whole Solicia/Matron Stone "song" controlling minds seems pulled out of nowhere. Maybe I just breezed by it in my earlier reading, but it just seems abrupt. There is such a thing as being TOO clever/subtle in your plotline, and perhaps this is an example of it. I like how Koloth's Maruader swoops in and saves our heroes at the end, but must admit that I found myself asking "Who is Mar'eth?" at that point. Again, it may just be my inattention to detail, or the fact that I had a several-day gap in reading this all, but IMO you may want to build up that character some to add plausibility to the ending. Ultimately, upon further reflection of the whole thing (thusfar), I think that one thing you may be fighting is the pre-conceived notions of the readers as to Kirk, Spock, etc.... It can easily be assumed that we "know" these characters based on all the Trek canon that exists. So it's easy for a reader--such as myself--to simply assume, for example, that Kirk is not truly afraid as he swims into the underwater cave early on, or that Spock is only playing w/ Prewitt when we find out that he is aboard the Monitor. Obviously I'm guilty of both of those assumptions. Not saying it's a correct way of thinking, but as the writer it is something you'll have to be aware of and deal with in your screenplay. Also, if Spock's mother is Human, and his father is Vulcan, how does he become "eighty-four-point-two-seven-three percent Vulcan genetically"? Furthermore, how is Kirk able to know that the Human vs. Vulcan conflict is the Permanent Subconcious Dilemma that Solicia used against Spock?
Yes, I think I might have to telegraph this a little better. But I want to do it without giving away too much. I figured the earlier scene where Kirk is nearly taken under would be sufficient to set it up and not give away the store. I'll think on this! Another good point. We've seen Mar'eth twice--once on the bridge and once on the airlock--but I should probably give her some dialog (maybe a semi-comical encounter with Prewitt or MacKenzie) to keep her more in the audience's mind. Ultimately, upon further reflection of the whole thing (thusfar), I think that one thing you may be fighting is the pre-conceived notions of the readers as to Kirk, Spock, etc.... It can easily be assumed that we "know" these characters based on all the Trek canon that exists. So it's easy for a reader--such as myself--to simply assume, for example, that Kirk is not truly afraid as he swims into the underwater cave early on, or that Spock is only playing w/ Prewitt when we find out that he is aboard the Monitor.[/quote] I thought about adding a scene where Spock gets taken over--the scene would include a flashback to his childhood on Vulcan and illustrate his fear a bit better. I left the scene out because I thought the viewer--having last seen Spock unconscious on Spica--would be seriously surprised by having him show up on the Monitor. I still want that surprise--as Shepherd commented, it's a great WTF moment. Absolutely right. I've always made the assumption--and I'm probably in the minority here--that breeding between humans and aliens (Vulcans or otherwise) is impossible (as it certainly would be in reality). I've concluded that Spock is a product of advanced genetic engineering and that he is substantially more Vulcan then human in composition. This fits in well with TOS, which usually implies that Spock is mostly Vulcan with some "human elements" (see "Journey to Babel"). I contemplated a scene between Spock and McCoy (a physical exam or somesuch) where Spock's unique genetic makeup is introduced. I may need to add it, afterall. It might also be a better opportunity to kick off the Spock/McCoy antagonism. Hmmm... He doesn't...I intended the scene to imply that Kirk picks up on the struggle Spock is undergoing and uses it. Again, I may need to make this more explicit. Thanks for the feedback. Not in total agreement, but there's a lot of merit to each point!
Overall, very well done. But, as a quibble, I'd cut the message from Nogura in the coupola (or whatever you call it)....it's better, I think, to let that moment be all about the big three as it so often was back in the glory days...
I'm determined to make that moment a little longer in the next (final?) draft. I'm not altogether happy with it, but it's a good start. I was torn on showing Nogura again, but he figures in the plot a little more in the early half that I didn't want him to just disappear. I also think it's important to see Kirk get the kudos. What I'm leaning towards now is something like this... * Spock and Kirk walk off, leaving Palatii in the mine. (same) * Shot of the Enterprise in orbit, captain's log filling in a few of the subsequent events on Spica * Cut to the captain's quarters, mid-way through the conversation with Nogura * Kirk enters bridge, slightly extended version of the existing scene (Nogura part dropped, of course)--and maybe give Scotty another line.
Yes, I was just thinking that if you really need to put a bow on Nogura you do it while Kirk is alone. That works much better.
I have another loose end relating to Nogura that I need to take care of. In the scene where Thulidor murders his wife and chases his daughter, I show the pair of agents from the opening scene (which makes sense, given it's the same case)... Having given the lead agent both an action scene (the Thuldior chase/scuffle) and some dialog (he interviews Prewitt via subspace radio and then reports to Nogura), I've sorta established him as a character in the story. But he NEVER appears again. And I don't want to expand his role (it's Kirk's story, not his), so... I'm thinking I'll kill him off in the stairwell scene (when he scuffles with Thulidor and winds up phasered) and give his interview scene to Nogura. That accomplishes several things: (1) it keeps the agent from being a loose end; (2) it gives Nogura more to do; (3) it makes Thulidor seem that much more malevolent; (4) instead of the interview + report, I can just have the interview, which will shorten the script slightly; and (5) it might allow for more character development on Nogura and Prewitt by giving them additional interaction.
Looking back at this, I see the writers of the new movie and I were on the same wavelength for several points... 1. I have a bar scene that pits Kirk against some other Starfleet officers (albeit in a non-physical way). 2. I have McCoy express a positive outlook on Vulcans prior to his getting to know Spock. 3. I have Kirk frolicking with an alien chick. 4. I have Kirk getting 'beamed up' just before being splattered at the end of a long fall. 5. I have the Enterprise shooting down a volley of torpedos before they can destroy another ship. 6. I have Kirk's first view of Enterprise on a shuttle ride. And my description of a much bigger Spacedock somewhat mirrors the movie's. 7. I have Kirk prompting Spock into a violent outburst of emotion (although I stole the idea from 'This Side of Paradise'). 8. A black hole figures prominently in my story, although my black hole is consistent with physics. The Enterprise is nearly consumed by it in my story, too. 9. I have Kirk and Spock start off uneasily and gradually mesh. 10. My villain's motivation--like Nero's--is both restoration of her people and revenge. 11. I have Kirk "attacked" by a large, alien creature. 12. I have Spock fly an alien ship. 13. Pike appears in my story, too (though, not nearly so prominently). Like the movie, I also refer to previously established admirals. A couple of things the film does much better than my script: lots more action and better usage of the 'secondary' characters.
Not saying they ripped me off, but a number of things in this screenplay I wrote made it to AbramsTrek... My story opens with a terrorist attack on a Starfleet archive center in a European city (mine was Berlin, not London)... The attack is carried out by a Starfleet officer who, thinking about her family, dies in the explosion... My antagonist is a Starfleet admiral named Prewitt who foresees war with the Klingons... I also had a glimpse into homelife in the Federation, though the father-mother-daughter family I depicted was Andorian, and their scene also featured some San Francisco landmarks... I also used the gimmick of arming torpedoes on another ship (though, in my story, they don't actually detonate)... I also have Chekov getting promoted (though, in this case, it's to his normal position)... I have someone get blown out of an airlock... I have a conflict between Kirk and Scotty... Of course, my renegade Admiral Prewitt also has a bad-ass for-combat-only starship... This one made it into the last Trek...Kirk falling and being saved by a last-second transport: Also, my admiral's plan involves starting a war with the Klingons by attacking them... This one also made it into the last film: the Enterprise shooting down a bunch of torpedoes before they destroy another ship: Anyhoo, I came up with all these ideas seven years ago and I'm satisfied that a lot of them would've been good enough for a real big screen story!
The exposition up front is a little too "on the nose." Other than that, it's a grabber, and I like it.
So, Paladin. Just came up with an idea you might enjoy using in Star Trek fanfic -- I don't write fanfic, or I'd use it myself, but here it is for you to play with if you'd like to. The next step in transporters and holodecks is a merging of the two technologies, whereby people and objects can be beamed into a completely digitized simulation similar to the Matrix. Conversely, objects and people -- both real and fictional characters -- can be beamed out into the real world. This occurred to me because I started thinking about the word, "downloading" and conjured up new words: "outloading" and "inloading." Sounded cool, so I needed to sort of create definitions for them. Thus, the "Matrix" version of a holodeck that characters can be beamed into or out of.
