The Clone Wars

I did like your take on it- I'd never played the DF game so I didn't know anything about the source material, but I had played Jedi Outcast, so I recognized Katarn. As far as a revisit, I can see a bit of expansion being easily done, but your current telling of events has a good flow albeit a bit rapid as Paladin often admonishes you for. I don't know what you know about it, but I played the Shadows of the Empire game a long while back and was always interested in the related stories especially having to do with Dash Rendar. That could make for another interesting retelling from you, or first read for a lot of us.

Just food for thought.

Basically that story centered around only the first level of the original DF game, when Kyle stole the Death Star plans from Danuta. The entire remainder of the DF game was Kyle tracking down and eradicating General Mohc's Dark Trooper project.

So, if DF took place before Ep. IV and the JK:JO game took place after Ep. VI, then I'd say he failed at completely destroying the program.

No, except for the first mission, DF took place some time after EP IV. JO took place much, much later, more than 5 years after EP VI (because 5 years after ROTJ was when JK happened) and there were no dark troopers in JO, only the 'reborn' force users- a different enemy altogether.

I'm sure some fellow geek somewhere has a timeline of it all cobbled together somewhere on the web.

I thought I remembered fighting dark troopers... Maybe it was those guys with the really tough, saber-resistant armor... or maybe I'm thinking of something else entirely (incredibly possible).

I came into this late, but I like the story so far.

Just one nitpick: I thought that Alderaan was supposed to be a peaceful world without weapons, so them having a home guard seems wrong somehow.

Being peaceful doesn't negate a home guard. And I don't recall the phrase "no weapons" - have to watch IV again.

Shaolin priests were peaceful; but they could still defend themselves very well

Plot point to be dealt with late EP 2 to EP 3.

Leia: Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you here holding Vader's leash. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.
Tarkin: Charming, to the last. You don't know how hard I found it, signing the order to terminate your life.
Leia: I'm surprised you had the courage to take the responsibility yourself.
Tarkin: Princess Leia, before your execution, I would like you to be my guest at a ceremony that will make this battle station fully operational. No star system will dare oppose the emperor now.
Leia: The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers.
Tarkin: In a way, you have determined the choice of the planet that will be destroyed first. Given your reluctance to provide us with the location of your hidden rebel base, I have decided to test this weapon's destructive firepower on your home planet of Alderaan.
Leia: No! Alderaan is peaceful - we have no weapons - you can't possibly--
Tarkin: You would prefer another target? A military target? Then name the system! I grow tired of asking this, so it'll be the last time. Where is the rebel base?
Leia: Dantooine. They're on Dantooine.
Tarkin: There, you see Lord Vader, she can be reasonable. Continue with the operation, you may fire when ready.
Leia: What?!
Tarkin: You're far too trusting. Dantooine is too remote to make an effective demonstration, but don't worry, we will deal with your rebel friends soon enough.
Leia: Noooo...

No, I didn't use IMDB or a script; that was entirely from memory.

Yes, I remember Leia's plea to Tarkin very well. Few people are more steeped in SW lore than I am.

Remember also Leia's message to Obi-wan: "General Kenobi, years ago you served my father in the clone wars. Now he begs you to aid him in his struggle against the Empire..."

The two are not irreconcilable. Remember, however, that there are three volumes to the prequel trilogy and not all such plot points need be resolved i in Episode 1. My goals, in addition to telling a rip-roaring, OT-flavored tale of the Clone Wars and the Rise of the Empire, are to leave no canon PT plot holes unfilled, and no OT plot points disregarded. Have faith, my friends.

Chapter 11 is roaring towards its action packed conclusion. Chapter 12 will be the last in Episode 1, and when it's done I'll do my massive 'final edit' and consolidate the entire story into one file, complete with some spelling corrections to match what's already 'out there', most particularly the spelling of Qui-gon's name and changing Antarean to Antarian, among a couple others.

Hopefully I'll be able to get Chap 11 up sometime on or before Friday.

As I said, I wasn't sure about the weapons remark.
However, that doesn't mean that Alderaan couldn't have had weapons in the past, and a home guard, and that the guard was dismantled and weapons tossed after the Trading Federation was destroyed......

Alderaan is sorta like Canada

There's a military, just not much of one.

Chapter 11.

I'm starting to get some solid ideas about how Episode II is going to go...

Just so there's no mystery, there is one more chapter to wrap up episode 1. I'm just not done with it yet.

Fuck guys, I'm sorry. This last chapter is dragging out forever- it's about half written, maybe a little over, but I've been busier than shit with RL stuff this week. Should be done before too much longer.

You know, reading this has reminded me of something I've always wondered about Star Wars. How is the dark side not stronger? It seems like even in the movies the Sith pretty much dominate one on one encounters with the Jedi. Most Jedi victories are the result of luck or they themselves utilizing the dark side of the force (witness Luke's victory over Vader in ROTJ). It could even be argued that Obi Wan's victory over Darth Maul was the result of dark side powers fueling a desire for revenge over Qui Gon's death. Jedi power is weak sauce.

It is something of a conundrum. The way it always seems to go is that the good guys enjoy the strength of numbers- the advantages of love, trust, loyalty, and teamwork, which is their true advantage. The Sith traditionally turn on one another, and it's very much an 'every man for himself' sort of deal. In the end, it's Darth Vader who destroys the Emperor, and Luke is only a catalyst. In fact, it's his blood relationship to Vader rather than his training as a Jedi that really makes the difference.

That's an issue I'm very aware of as I do this re-write project, and if you've read this far you've seen the Sith dominate in every combat encounter so far. I do have a strategy for dealing with it that ties in pretty nicely with the overall storyline, I think, but you'll have to wait and see how it all pans out.

On that note, I banged out most of the rest of the last chapter tonight. I've got one scene left to write, then the edit, and its done except for me going back and making one giant file of the whole thing and doing a Final Edit. I'll post Chapter 12 on its own, though. Hopefully it'll be up by Tuesday or Wednesday sometime.

The Final Chapter.

Well guys, let me know what you think. Lethe, are the Valkyries going to sing my praises or am I to be dragged to the depths of Hel to be tortured by 9 year old Jake Lloyd while being forced to watch all the Jar Jar segments of TPM in an infinite loop?

Not bad... Would you like it gone over with a fine-toothed comb, or just general comments?

Knock yourself out!

I'm through about 4 chapters of the massive Final Edit right now, but it's mostly fixing some typos, semantics, spelling, and grammar stuff. The story won't change from what you just finished reading.

As a quick general comment then, check and recheck Yoda's word order. There's a few places where it seems too human.

Marso would probably like it if kotor had come with a modset

Prolog: The opening crawl of the movies tried to keep it in the present and pluperfect tenses, never a future tense. The last sentence is particularly jarring.

Chapter 1:
Page 2: "jumped away from her..." - jumped implies into hyperspace, and causes some confusion a few seconds later when she can't jump to hyperspace.
The third paragraph opening is a little confusing as to exactly where it is, especially since you've introduced the captain previously without naming her.

Page 3: is the full name of the language Galactic Basic? I thought it was just Basic.

Page 4: I may be remembering this incorrectly, but I don't recall the Jedi council coming to the conclusion that there was a leak in the chancellor's office, even though they would have had the same information as Ofree and Luminara.

Page 5: Undili was previously introduced as Luminara, and without a last name. Fix it somewhere so we know that, and stick to one name or the other for references in a given context (page 4: "Luminara said" page 5: "Undili said" - make it consistent).

Page 6: I thought the Republic didn't have any troops of it's own? Especially since the Alderaan Home Guard is mentioned later.

Page 17: I don't think the Jedi have gods.

Chapter 2 when it's not 3:38 AM.

I mention the Republic Home Guard several times- basically the Senate Guards. In the canon PT, they were the blue-armored precursors of Palpatine's red robed imperial guard.

The Jedi do not have gods, but as I've shown in this milieu, children don't start Jedi training until later in life. Luminara may have been raised in another religion prior to starting her Jedi training. In any case she uses it more as an expletive/figure of speech than a statement of literal belief.

Kinda like Han Solo's "I'll see you in hell!" Whether or not anyone in the SW 'verse believes in hell or not is irrelevant.

Chapter 2:
Page 4: so far, no one else has come to the conclusion that there's a leak in the Chancellor's office, despite having found where the ship was destroyed.

Page 7: "I've already requested through the chancellor's office that any transmission pad you might possibly be used be equipped with a tracer." - Fix the grammar.

Page 14: Yoda's word order in the following places: "his strong will is needed now.", "He knows his old master well;", "Qui Gonn is a Jedi Master, and much younger and stronger than his old teacher. He can handle Dooku, if it becomes necessary.", "Word has come to us that your former master may have assumed the leadership of the secessionist effort."

Page 16: "strong willed" should be hyphenated. "If...control." - there's something wrong grammatically... a "than" that should be a "that", or an incompletely formed second half of the sentence. "Noblesse oblige" - a French idiom in Star Wars? eh...

Page 19: "Nobody knew to this day..." - except you then finish the sentence with that fate.

If it's your intention to go through all 12 chapters and highlight every grammtical error you can find, and so on, more power to you. Just be aware that I'll be making very few (if any) additional changes over what I've already done. It's a frakkin' SW fanfic.

Actually I'm only noting it if it breaks up the flow of the sentence. There's a couple of other ones I saw that I didn't bother noting, because they were fairly inconsequential ("they" where "he or she" is correct, for instance). But I'll skip the strict proofreading - which you've presumably done yourself - and stick to characterization and plot problems.

Incidentally, am I just misremembering the later chapters, or does no one ever figure out there must be a leak in the chancellor's office? That's a fairly serious plot hole, IMO.

No, it never gets mentioned again. But with the prevalence of 'homing beacons' in the galaxy it's easy enough for others to assume that's how the bad guys were tracking the good guys.

Remember- Luminara may have suspected something like that, but the Jedi themselves aren't all wrapped up in the affairs of the Senate like they are in the canon PT.

Marso, it's great. I love it. Here's hoping you'll redo the entire series, not just the first 3 eps.