The Inherent Awfulness of Separation

You're a twenty-seven year old male, you're married with four kids (two of which are from your wife's previous marriage) and your wife tells you "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" and she wants to see other people. That's the reality a friend of mine is facing. What advice would you give him?

Before you answer, here are a few more details -

She

• Has a boyfriend
• Wants to continue receiving spousal benefits

He

• Is still in love with her
• Hopes to reconcile

Additionally, they are welfare dependent, they could not afford their current housing sans substantial state assistance. And familial support is weak at best.

Like I said, he is a friend of mine. Any worthwhile advice is welcome. Odds are there isn't a "right" answer, yet I'm interested in what course of action you would recommend.

that's why marriage is a "long haul" undertaking. Few feel the same passion as the relationship sails on through dreary seas - get over it lady,

She wants to see other men, and isn't even discreet about it? I would take that as a hint - sorry, but it's over. She is not worthy of his further attention, and under these circumstances owes her nothing. And sadly, the kids suffer which is all too common.

Suck it up! Move out! Inform welfare authorities of status and file for legal seperation. Of coarse pay child support for the two chidren that you've fathered. Hopefully, the father of the other two is paying his due support but that's a deeper issue. There is no "right" answer, however, is staying with this woman while she 'dates' other men "right". Sad situation for the children and definitely not a good example for them.

Sorry to hear about your marriage, Clyde.

• Has a boyfriend
• Wants to continue receiving spousal benefits

Sorry, that's a clear FUCK OFF right there. If she wants out - fine. But have the cake and eat it too... yes, I know, lots of people don't have any pride at all and will shamelessly squeeze their still-loving spouse for every last penny before they are gone anyway. I just can't wrap my head around it.

From what you write my only advice for him is: take your children, get out. Probably hurts in the beginning but the trust is gone anyway. Get out, get a job, get affordable housing, learn your lesson and never,ever get in a relationship with mutual dependency ever again. Might sound cold and loner-like but that's a lesson I have learned the hard way.

On the surface, this seems rather fucked up, but there are potential solutions that might satisfy. Questions:

• Is the wife interested in continuing to live as a family?
• Does she still put out for your friend?
• Is she at risk of having children with the other man?

I know people who engage in polyamorous relationships and are able to maintain a stable and loving family life. I doubt many could manage such a situation, but maybe your friend can. He needs to decide whether his love is strong enough to accommodate the wife's behavior. If it is, then they talk it out, lay some ground rules, and proceed. If he can't envision continuing while she has a boyfriend, then he needs to give her an ultimatum -- him or the other guy, but not both.

This.

Key word being "=amorous," which his friend's wife says she's not with her current husband anymore.

If she wants to fool around, cool, but her husband owes her fuck shit at this point, IMHO.

I got nothing.

Seriously, it is at least two problems too many. I'm so very tired of people coming to me, asking for a solution after it is too late to come up with a solution and I'm stuck trying to find the least shitty option.

If I knew a good priest I might point him towards them. And I'd be willing to listen to their problems over a beer, but I wouldn't try in any way to "fix" that.

And why not. When both parts agree I don't see a problem. This, however, seems very one sided.

Divorce the cheating cunt. Sue for sole custody of your own kids, and she doesn't get a dime of support because she already found a new sugar daddy.

I never understood the whole "spousal support" angle. Obviously you were single before you got married and learned how to survive with just your own income. So why the fuck should you be entitled to someone else's income if you are no longer married to them. I don't give two shits what "lifestyle" you're used to. Suck it up like the rest of us and learn to be self-sufficient. You are entitled to NOTHING!

That's why I asked some clarifying questions. We don't know what the wife meant by "I love you but am not in love with you." Basically, there are three ways this can play out, all of which require Clyde's friend to take a good look at his own feelings followed by a frank discussion with his wife.

1. Divorce -- the marriage is over
2. Reconciliation -- the wife dumps her boyfriend
3. Accommodation -- they find an agreeable mechanism for remaining married but with some sort of understanding about external relations.

We don't have enough information to make a recommendation. All we can do is suggest a framework for how to think about the issue. He still loves his wife, so a bunch of statements that amount to "drop that bitch," may not be all that helpful.

This sounds similar to my nephew's situation, except that his wife not only wants to run around with a boyfriend, she also dells drugs to high school kids, deals in stolen goods, has been in jail several times, and has trials pending in Georgia and South Carolina.

My nephew doesn't want to break up the family for the kids' sake, but even their oldest kid (teenager) wishes "Momma" would fuck off and leave them alone.

Last year he finally had enough and filed for divorce while she was in jail for 3 months.

That is the WORST reason to keep a relationship going. You think you're doing it to help the kids, but the fact is you are doing more damage by keeping them exposed to the situation. It's best to quickly cut your losses and move on with life. Kids bounce back from things quickly.

Not with him as the dad.

Yes.

I dunno. Seems he has kids of his own already.

Though I do wonder how serious one could be about dating a mother of four living with her husband.

I hope he cannot.

Personally I think he should get the fuck out, it won't be clean but it's necessary. Make a clear break. Take the kids and go! Yet the problem really lies in the next step. He hasn't a place to go.

Where to begin? Nine times out of ten, or more, when a relationship gets to that point, it's over. The only hope of recovery is a major change of heart on her part, and that cannot be accomplished by a friend (you) giving him advice.

Now, if the situation has come to that point because of something he did, maybe he can contribute to a change in her attitude (with the emphasis on "maybe" even in that scenario), but with the information you give us here, there is no reason to expect that.

About all I can suggest is for him to make the best of it, get out (with the kids, if possible) before prolonging the agony any more than necessary, and try to put his life back together some other way. There certainly are no easy answers and no apparent solutions at this point.

Your friend is proper fucked. The relationship should be considered over and arrangements to be made for relocation should be planned for.

From the looks of it, though, he's going to allow himself to be a cuckold and be miserable for the rest of his life.

Flee. It's over. I bet she wouldn't like it if the situation were reversed.

I'd like to hear from apostle on this issue.

She is physically cheating on him.

She broke the covenant. I would say he should move on.

If he wants to work it out, fine, but I doubt there is any way to do so unless him leaving triggers a "rock bottom" response.

Sorry to hear about your marriage, Ron Paul.

Even if Mama is a dope peddler, brings all kinds of drama home from her day job and the oldest child is sick of his mother's bullshit?

Moron.

Hell, if she's cheating now she might have been cheating in the past. Does he even know if the two younger kids are biologically his? He can try marital counseling but really that's only just so he can say he tried everything because if her heart isn't in it then it won't work. The best thing is just to file for divorce and try to rebuild his life with someone new who is worthy of his affections.

Plus momma has put papa in the hospital by throwing various household objects at him; gotten his truck confiscated by using it to transport stolen goods; two of the kids have learning disabilities due to her drug use during pregnancy...

Woman is in a fantasy world.

If they are on welfare together, just what kind of spousal support does she think he's suddenly going to have to give her that they don't have now?

If he's got medical insurance through work that's the answer.

Lots of people stay or get married for medical insurance in this country. I'd bet you couldn't afford to divorce Zel even if you wanted to for that reason. Hopefully that will change when insurance reform is fully implemented, although given the extent to which reform leaves the employment based model in place that's far from certain.

This.

It's rough but he needs to figure out a way to step with his kids.

The odds are that he can't afford a lawyer. But he should start saving NOW for the impending separation. His kids must be very young.

But the wife is whack!!

This too. Get the paternity test.

www.nomarriage.com

Damn whores!

After a short marriage? Totally. However it makes sense with a couple who have been together for a long time. The wife for example may have stayed at home to look after children, sacrificing a career for the marriage.