Proposed Star Trek Episodes

"Wolf in the Fjord!"

On a bonding trip to Norway Captain Tower reveals himself to be a bit of a cunt. Goldstein the Space Jew is not impressed.

If only Mik hadn't kept insisting that she "needs more power".

"Cupid's Toy"

It's Valentine's Day and and old flame of Captain Tower visits with a dangerous mission. Will their smoldering passions endanger their mission?

Feeling left out, Al makes up a girlfriend who lives "In The Beta Quadrant" and tries to convince the crew that she's not fake.

"Co-opted"

The crew discovers that an planetary society dedicated to the archival of knowledge is also archiving the DNA of everyone in the galaxy.

While repairing the transporter, Mik and Al accidentally fuse together at the pelvis and become Siamese twins.

"Disparity"

A nerfariously boring race of aliens clone Captain Tower and force him to debate himself to the death.

Al is concerned that he has not heard from his girlfriend in the Beta Quadrant in some time, as he has forgotten that he made her up.

"The Beta Glory"

After leaving the scene of a shuttle crash, Tower is once again grounded and assigned to help coach the Academy water polo team.

"The Turnabout Abuser"

Tower is recognized with Starfleet's highest honor after slapping down a woman who applies for command of a starship.

Goldstein the Space Jew

"Let That Be Your Last Allegory"

Tower comes across a planet of people who are black on the right side and white on the left, who are at war with people who have the opposite coloring. Tower has all the half-black ones killed.

"Who Mourns for a Dumbass?"
Tower takes a break from coaching duties to read the declassified logs from Enterprise. Crew efficiency has increased 47% during his absence.

"All for the Moment"

A day in the life of Captain Tower.

Boring season finale.

"Tower of Power"

Captain Tower goes back in time to the 1960s to prevent the birth of a popular R&B band. The rationale for this is never explained.

He fails.

"Hissy Fit"

The Borg become infinitely more aggressive after they assimilate Commander Townsend and absorb the concept of pms. They are defeated when Al reduces the collective to a crying mess by telling them about the loss of his fake girlfriend.

"Election"

It's an Election year. Will Captain Tower get his absentee ballot transmitted in time? And will he be voting third party again for Federation President this year?

Mik and Al try to discover who's leftover meatloaf has been stinking up the fridge in the Officer's galley.

"Put Your Best Foot Forward"

Captain Tower is dismayed as a foot injury sustained in his quarters means a more capable captain has to come in and take his place.

During Tower's convalescence Commodore Letitia M'kembe takes command, bringing with her the sophomore class of SF Academy for their co-op semester leaving only a skeleton crew of staff officers aboard. Tower experiences an odd feeling during holodeck tryouts for the water polo team.

"Is There No Beauty In Truth?"

Commander Townsend's new alien earrings are constantly re-writing her DNA in order to make her physical attractiveness match her personality

Mik and Al call in sick, steal the Captain's Yacht, and go out for a day of adventure. All they end up doing is walking around Space Wal-Mart and having burgers at Space McDonald's. They don't even bother to try to roll the odometer back on the Captain's Yacht.

"Is There No Truth In Dayton?"

Captain Tower travels to his hometown of Dayton, Ohio to discover its population afflicted with a chronic disease that leads its citizens to pathological delusions of grandeur. In a bid to cure them Captain Tower sets out to inform them of their innate inferiority.

"Windfall"

Captain Tower, still on convalescence due to his injured foot, opens up an official-looking Starfleet Communication that indicates that he has been named as heir to a fabulous Talarian fortune. All he has to do is put up some "good faith" money in order to pay for the transfer fees and the appointment documents. Remembering that the Federation doesn't use currency, Tower hatches a plot to rob a Ferengi convenience store.

Mik and Al discover that their work goes faster when they sing a happy tune.

"City on the Edge of Whatever"

Tower is transported back to 1920s Earth, where he encounters a woman who is destined to prevent World War II from happening. He throws her in front of a speeding automobile.

"Let That Be Another Battlefield"

Captain Tower spends his latest work suspension organising a mass war on Andoria so that he can enjoy all their impressive 24th Century weapons in action. He is delighted when an unexpected space battle ensues.

"The Dumb Head"

Captain Tower goes on trial for his slapping of a female officer. During this gritty trial, Tower keeps exclaiming "It happened 15 days ago! Why does everyone keep talking about this?"

Mik's self-esteem has been very low lately, so Al decides to start writing him letters from a "secret admirer" only to actually fall in love with Mik in the process.

"Whom God Destroys"

On a visit to a mental hospital, Tower and Goldstein are taken captive by the inmate Barth, a genocidal, megalomanical former starship commander. After a passionate appeal by Tower, Starfleet reinstates Barth.

"The Inferiority Syndrome"

Tower wakes up, and finds himself sitting outside the principal's office. He realizes that he's been dreaming again, and feels a stinking feeling in his stomach. He finds himself dreading the conversation he's going to have. Most distressing of all he doesn't know if it's about not being able to finish his student's grades in time, slapping the helmets of the Parisses Squares players, or the comments he made about his fellow teachers. But he does know he's going to have to tell his wife, and ask her family for support. However it won't stop him from bragging how he'll make head coach next year.

In the meantime Al (the janitor) finds Tower's fanfic about how great he is compared to everyone else.

Tower falls back asleep and dreams about his happy place.

"A Piece Of Reaction"

The inhabitants of Sigma Iotia II, known for their highly imitative ways have gotten hold of Captain Tower's teaching guide on the Cold War. Their culture has devolved into a society of monosyllabic speaking world leaders who end every sentence with ''MURICA!". Half of the population were wiped out during a rainstorm when they looked up into the sky and neglected to close their mouths.

Mik and Al secretly enter into a homosexual relationship. Nobody is surprised and nobody cares.

"Apple, Too"

On an Eden-like planet where the innocent native inhabitants are on the brink of discovering sexuality, Tower ensures the technological god that represses them is kept in good repair.

"Let there Be in Truth No Equality".

Captain Tower receives delivery of new Vulcanian science officer Mr. P'Sock. After deducing P'Sock to be an inferior heathen, Captain Tower banishes him to quarters and sends helmsman Pastey O'White to teach him the way of humanity using 2,400 year old religious scripture.

"The Bomb Minders"

Horrified to discover that security officer Mohammed Al Innocent has been issued a phaser Captain Tower orders that Mohammed be ejected into space in case it is a plot to blow up the ship.

"A Muck Time"

After he discovers Mik and Al's sexual deviancy, as a distraction, Captain Tower orders all crewmembers to ensure their torpedo tubes are fully cleaned in advance of personal inspection by the Captain. Ensign Nota P'Oofter receives a commendation after Tower is impressed with the sight of his big black torpedo.