Proposed Star Trek Episodes

"Not I, Borg"

When a Borg cube threatens the ship, Captain Tower becomes the first human to be rejected for assimilation. "Our resistance is not futile" declare the Borg.

"What We Left Behind"

Captain Tower mistakenly rams the ship into Admiral Norah Satie's transport shuttle while leaving Spacedock. He orders maximum warp to escape the scene and pats himself on the back for his ingenuity, hoping he will receive a commendation.

"Jew Who"

Invited to a Hanukkah meal with Goldstein and family, Tower finds himself transported to a sinister, alternate universe where Christmas isn't celebrated.

"Turncoat Intruder"

Captain Tower's new ship's chaplain Jesus D'Menzies secretly confides in the Captain that he's the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. Overjoyed, Carson promotes him to first officer, only for Jesus to stage a mutiny. It turns out he's not the messiah, just a very naughty boy. Dejected, Tower realises he should have just asked what Christ needs with a starship.

"Tomorrow's Enterprise"

Starfleet builds a revolutionary new starship Enterprise, one equipped for even bolder and more exciting missions. Tower bad mouths it at every opportunity.

"Patterns Of Farce"

Starfleet Command issues a communication to Captain Tower clearly outlining the steps he needs to take in order to retain command of the ship. Captain Tower ignores it, figuring that his coaching of the Water Polo team is incentive enough to keep him around.

Desperate to keep Mik in a relationship with him, Al convinces Mik that they are both pregnant with each other's babies.

Daymok

Captain Tower makes first contact with an alien race who can't seem to understand him, even with the help of the universal translator. When the rest of the crew beams down, the alien race understands them just fine. It turns out that Tower is just a blithering idiot.

You beat me to it...

"B'zartalk"

Trapped on a rugged jungle world, Tower discovers his only companion--an alien who speaks a strange, incomprehensible language--is like a billiard ball: the harder you hit it, the better the English.

"Hard Time"

Tower is assigned prisoner transport duty for a low security inmate. Enroute the prisoner complains that he's not feeling well. Tower takes the prisoner to a medical facility, While there Tower leaves the prisoner alone with a medical tech. The prisoner escapes. Tower blames the staff at the medical facility.

"Awful, Author"

The crew discovers that Captain Tower has been writing a holonovel set in the early 21st Century. The novel stars an idealized version of Tower as a history teacher and football coach for a small town American high school. Shocked at the pomposity of it all, the crew re-writes the novel in order to help Tower see what an ass he has been. Tower cries that his magnum opus has been destroyed and his campaign for President of the Federation has been set back at least 4 years.

"The Castout"

When Marsden falls for a genderless alien during an away mission, Tower must risk interstellar war to prevent them from being issued a marriage license.

"Fapestry"

Nearing death due to choking on a peanut M&M, Tower is met in the afterlife by Q who shows him what life would be like if Tower had been elected Federation President. In this reality, the Federation is eventually taken over by the Ferengi behind-the-scenes, the Romulans have stolen critical pieces of Federation technology and the Vulcans have left the union. Closer to home, same-sex marriage has been banned, women can no longer vote and worshipping The Cult Of Space Jesus is mandatory. Tower sees all this and begs to stay in this new reality. Q tosses his hands up in frustration.

"The Worst of Both Worlds"

The Borg show up (again) and, after a brief confrontation with Captain Tower, decide that he isn't worth assimilating.

They depart in peace.

"All Our Tomorrows"

Captain Tower reminisces over his time as assistant coach to the Starfleet reserve Parrisses Square team. He dreams of one day becoming head coach of the team to play at the Federation Olympics and sets his sights on doing so at some point over the next 75 years.

"What Cause and Effect?"

Captain Tower is relieved of command for the seventh time and feels aggrieved that his crew and Starfleet admirals are to blame and are treating him unfairly.

"Hollower Pursuits"

Captain Tower is advised by his crew that the Holodeck can be used to experience one's fantasies. After trying to do so the ship's Holodeck develops sentience and refuses to co-operate, using it's new found life to declare the Captain's fantasies too far fetched and unrealistic so as to risk causing a feedback loop that will threaten the ship's life support. Captain Tower orders the new life to be wiped out and retires to his ready room for a log entry.

"Error of Mercy"

Time travelling to Organia as the Federation and Klingon fleets are on the brink of war, Tower plans to thwart the Organian meddlers in order to prompt the most gloriously epic space battle in history.

I would add:

Captain Tower assumes that the Borg didn't assimilate him because he's already "perfect".

"What You Left Behind"

Tensions among the crew mount when Tower pushes the Enterprise's warp drive to the breaking point in order to flee the scene of an inadvertent collision with a Bolian geriatric transport.

"A Taste of Asphyxiation"

The crew suspects their every move is being watched by the new security chief after Tower has to strangle an ensign caught stealing Post-It notes from central stores.

"A Fistful of Towers"

After a freak accident, Tower's mind is fused with the ship's computer, leading to a series of bizarre malfunctions. Among other things, the replicators in Ten Forward refuse to make anything but waffles.

"Two Days and Two Nights"

The crew decide to go to Risa for some shore leave. Tower refuses to do anything other than go swimming in the resort pool. However, after checking in Tower is approached by a Risan female who offers him a Horgan statue. Feeling unclean and dirty since she touched his shoulder, Tower decides to take a shower and falls. He spends the next two days and nights in the Risan infirmary. Upon returning to the ship Tower calls out his crew and chastises them for being filthy unthinking animals for enjoying Risan traditions. He then puts himself in for a commendation for the injury he received. Mik and Al discover they were drugged and had a lot of sex with each other.

"Too Long A Season"

Captain Tower and the crew are assigned to transport Admiral Randomname to the planet Balkan IV to negotiate the release of hostages. Two factions have been at war with each other since Admiral Randomname was assigned there 40 years ago. It turns out that Admiral Randomname had armed both sides of a political conflict back when he had been assigned there and civil war broke out. Captain Tower is alarmed at Admiral Randomname's past actions. Tower believes that the Admiral did not do enough during his time on the planet to solve the crisis. Tower resolves the conflict by firing on the planet from orbit and obliterating both sides. The hostages die as well which he considers "acceptable losses".

"Sixty-four Nights in Sickbay"

Poor Carson Tower is confined again to Sickbay with a reoccurring foot injury picked up on M&M class planet Diabetelus II. During his convalescence ship's nurse Nurse Origami cares for him diligently. On day sixty four he leaves sickbay and thanks the nurse by reminding her that she is an inferior person who was just doing her job.

On day sixty five Tower is faced with the prospect of having to lead a dangerous away team. Instead he delegates it to Goldstein and a security team, retreating back to sickbay complaining that his foot still hurts. He reasons that Goldstein and Co are paid to die on his behalf anyway, so what the hell.

"Down The Short Rope"

A forgotten Earth colony in the Teague system is in danger of being wiped out due to the system's star starting to go supernova. Captain Tower evacuates the colony to the ship and soon discovers that the Teague colony was only one half of a colonial mission. The other half went to the nearby Goonas system. The crew discovers that the colony ship meant for Goonas III crash landed, which led to a dozen colonists surviving by cloning themselves and making hundreds of copies of themselves. The leader of Goonas colony suggests that they merge back with the Teague colonists and offers to take in the entire Teague colony onto the Goonas planet. Captain Tower instead slaughters the Goonas colonists and hands over the entire colony to the Teagues reasoning that cloning is against the teachings of Space Jesus so the heathens needed to be destroyed.

"In My Image"

Captain Tower and the crew encounter an alien pleading for their help. The alien explains that he has been to Earth dozens of times over the centuries. As he tells his story, the alien shapeshifts to resemble historical figures like Hammurabi, Solomon, etc etc eventually turning into Jesus and then JFK. Just as he is about to tell the crew about the next ensuing crisis on Earth, Tower kills the alien. Tower explains that he knew that the alien was lying because Jesus would never turn into a Democrat.

"Despair Haven"

Locked inside a nightmarish holodeck world where he's President of a brutally repressive Federation at perpetual war, Tower must go to great lengths to keep his crew from rescuing him.

"Who Mourns for Adidas?"

Suffering from a diabetic ulcer on his foot and ignoring the objections of Dr. Hueva, Tower risks amputation to deliver a sermon on personal responsibility to the crew.