Wordforge Quotes

Clyde · Apr 22, 2005

Man Afraid of his Shoes said:

So today I walked over to my neighbor's house to give her the bag of pig ears from this thread, and noticed that she had a mole moling around in her front yard. I asked her about it, and she was like, "yeah. Sucks. I don't know what to do about it because everyone says I need to flush it out of it's tunnels with water and then whack it with a hammer. I can't whack a mole with a hammer...I just can't!

So I was like, "Don't you worry your pretty little head. If you see that mole, just call me and I'll eat it's liver for you."

I gave her the pig ears and went back home.

This afternoon, I was out front smoking and noticed that the mole had come over into my yard. His little tunnel butted up against my sidewalk, then turned left and went all the way to the corner of my sidewalk and driveway. I went over there to see if that was his little exit hole, and bent down real close like...

...and the earth moved!

I immediately screamed like a little girl and did the "there are spiders all over me" dance, and then ran around in circles screaching all limp wristed.

I then quickly drew my...cell phone and called my neighbor and I was like, "Ohmugod...Oh...Mu...God! Your mole is in my front yard! He's right here moving around and I can see the sod moving and everything! OOOHOOH...AAAAAH...OOOHOOH!"

So she was all like, "You wait there girlfriend. Me and Big Johnny'll come right over. Breath...breath."

So her and Big Johnny came right over and Big Johnny had a shovel with him.

I was like, "Oh! I can't watch!"

And she was like, "Oh! I can't either!", and we both cowered in the garage while Big Johnny went to his gruesome work.

And we were like...

"It's a cute little mole."

"I know, but he shouldn't have been in our yards."

"Yeah, I know, but they're so cute and fuzzy."

"They AAAARE aren't they?"

Boo-hoo...sob sob.

So then Big Johnny said, "alright ladies it's dead."

And we were both like, "Awwwww." "Poor little mole."

So then he covered it back up, looked at me with no small amount of distain mixed with smirkitude, and they went back home.

Yyyyyyup! That mole has no idea who he was messin' with!
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link

NAHTMMM · Apr 24, 2005

Diacanu said:

...and it's like, it's like, *mince mince mince* "eeeew!! look at meee!! I'm the minimum wage in Cuba threeeaadd!!".

And I'm like "fuck you!! fuck you minimum wage in Cuba thread!!! You're not good!! I hate you!! I haaate you!!!"

But everyone keeps looking at it anyway!!!".

"EEEww!! We love you sooo much, minimum wage in Cuba thread!! You're so pretty and smell like marshmallows!! What's your hair care secret, minimum wage in cuba thread!!!".

Eeewheewheeww!! Hyneh hyneh hyneynh!!!

*Holds up right hand in a fist, and makes it a thumb moving puppet of the Cuba thread*

Hyneenh!! Hyneennh!! E'm da Cuba thwead!!

*Hits it with other fist*

HNNGG!!! HNNG!! HNNG!!

Sonofa....gaaahhh!!!
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Borgs · Apr 28, 2005

Re: U.S. Congress passes law to create new $1 coin

The Listkeeper said:

I'm of the opinion that we should mint our coin money from nuclear waste. This would create entirely new styles in wallet type accesories, make theft a risky proposition, and enable us to send foreign aid via ICBM.
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Lanzman · May 1, 2005

Diacanu said:

Why does the universe hate me?

Am I God's Wile E. Coyote??
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NAHTMMM · May 3, 2005

Uncle Albert said:

Loving Life said:

You're trying to get away with something here. I recognize the maneuver...my kids used it all the time.
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That may be the single most important statement ever made here on the topic of board rules and behavior.
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Borgs · May 6, 2005

Re: Kyle goes after his girl...

Kyle said:

If y'all want to stab me in the back, have the decency to do it to my face, OK?
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NAHTMMM · May 9, 2005

Diacanu said:

Muad Dib said:

Not on my back, but on my left shoulder. Then there's the good guy that lives on my right shoulder. They both look like me, but lefty has a red suit, horns, and a barbed tail. Righty has a white robe, wings, and a halo.

Gets kind of annoying 'cause they're always giving me contradictory advice.
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Cool.

I've got a pimp and a kitten.

They're no help at all.
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Friday · May 10, 2005

Diacanu said:

How about you make a ventriliquist dummy do an impression of Archie Bunker getting head from Edith Bunker??
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Diacanu said:

Ah hell, I'll do it.

I always have to do it.

[Archie voice]

Heyyyy Eeeediith, come impale your skull on my cawk ovah heah, you dingbat YOU!!

*Spins dummies head around*

Whoop dee doo!! Whoop dee fuckin doo over here!!!!

Whoop dee doo!! Whoop dee fuckin doo over here!!!!

Whoop dee doo!! Whoop dee fuckin doo over here!!!!

*Aims dummy out to part of audience that can't see so good*

Whoop dee doo!! Whoop dee fuckin doo over here!!!!
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Diacanu · May 12, 2005

Diacanu said:

...so tell me, what's it gotta say against...

Porn.
Hookers.
Swears.
Potty humor.
Abortion.
BJs.
Exposed boobies.

Um...I'll think of more..that should keep ya busy though.
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DarthMacCartney said:

Well, let's see...

Porn

"Jezerael was discovered viewing them and spilling his seed wastefully upon the ground. 'It is abomination before God to view the marital interludes of others,' said Aaron. And Jezerael was cast from the tribe of the Israelities into the land of Moab where his unclean obsessions could be indulged outside of the view of God."
- Exodus 36:22-24

Hookers

"And Noah looked upon the two comely women, one a blonde and one a brunette, and felt love in his heart for them. Then he asked unto them: 'What will you do for me if I get you a place on the boat?'"
- Genesis 72:8

Swears

"And Job looked upon the remains of his family and at his diseased arms, and he fell to his knees and screamed 'Fuck this shit, man!'"
- Job 5:34

Potty Humor
"Angrily, Judas took the oil and annointed himself with it only to discover that Jesus had stealthily turned the fine ointment to raw sewage. Jesus and the other disciples laughed so hard they nearly pissed themselves."
- John 25:36-2

Abortion
"And Joseph said unto Mary: look, I can deal with the whole messing-around-before-marriage thing, but there ain't no way I'm supporting some other shepherd's kid. So take care of it. Believe me, that kid will be nothing but trouble."
- the Gnostic Gospel of Joseph's Neighbor's Cousin in Caesarea 1282:362-363

BJs
"And the two daughters of Lot got the old man drunk and seduced him. First the elder daughter lay with him, then the younger. Seeing the methods of the younger daughter, the elder one slapped her upside the head and said: 'Bitch, you can't get pregnant that way!'"
- Genesis 19:69-70

Exposed boobies
"When Mary Magdalene's top fell off, the LORD saw that it was good!"
- Mark 31:44
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Borgs · May 16, 2005

Re: Do you believe in the Devil/Satan ?

NAHTMMM said:

Supposing we don't need souls (which we do but that's beside the point), they therefore must not exist?

Why, then, do "reality" shows exist?
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Borgs · May 19, 2005

Hutt359 said:

Who the hell is spider?

The subject is Diac and PBM net fucking.
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Borgs · May 24, 2005

Ancalagon said:

Haven't read anything except the title but here is a little story from last week.

Ok. My wrist is still wrapped up and my bicept is still one big scab from this.

Ok so last week me, ben, laura, and lindsey headed up to my farm to do some Jeep riding. So we get out there go get some beer and go hit the trail. Well I don't have to drive back to Mobile (I'll drive drunk on my own farm) so I'm having a good time and then I have to piss. Well ben wants to drive so I let him take over. Well I'm getting back in the jeep and then Ben just takes the fuck off. BUT I'M NOT IN THE GOD DAMN JEEP!!! I'm standing on the running bar with one arm looped around the roll cage and hte other holding my beer. Well he floors and starts heading down the trial (my farm is mostly timber) at around 40. I'm standing there yelling at the dumb fuck to stop the god damn car but he's just sitting there laughing....

So I have a choice. Drop my full beer (the last one by the way) and then use my free hand to pull myself inside the vehicle or just hold on for dear life. While I'm contemplating this we hit a wash bump (on trails going down a hill there will be dirt bumps built to divert water off the trail to prevent the road from washing). We'll we go airborn.... and come down.... hard. The canvas covering the roll bar scrapes the skin off my arm (I have it looped around the bar) and then my fist goes smashing into the top of windshield (thank God into the steel top and not the glass). Long story short my wrist swells up as big as my hand and I had no skin under my arm, BUT I DIDN'T SPILL ONE GOD DAMN DROP.

YA GOD DAMN RIGHT.
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Friday · May 24, 2005

Face said:

Congratulations. You just proved Kyle right.
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Borgs · Jun 5, 2005

Elwood said:

My Captain desperately wants to teach me to play golf, but I just don't have the time or money.
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ecky said:

it'd be cheaper and more socially acceptable to develop a heroin addiction...
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Friday · Jun 6, 2005

Diacanu decides to off himself after having enough of debating postmodernism...

*BLAM!!*

*Goes to heaven*

D- Ha haaa!! Awesome! I'll be a board legend!!

God- Oh, hey.

D- Ah, so you do exist.

Nietzse- No one was more surprised than me.

D- Oh hey, can you hook me up with some of your mojo so I can finally impress people at parties?

N- You don't want it. I went insane and whipped a stable boy and cried like a baby at the end, remember?

D- Right, right. ....so, what's a prick like you doing here anyway?

N- Y'got me. Hitler's here too. And some of the popes. Turns out it's all a meaningless vortex of madness after all.

G- Yeah, sorry about that. I think I'll have it ironed out with the next universe. If not, 3rd time's the charm.

D- I had a feeling...

G- Oh, and you're not due here until a couple years.

D- Just a couple?

G- That thing on your chest? Not a harmless fatty growth after all.

D- Fuckin quack poor people's doctor. Knew it. Ah, well.

G- *Pulls lever*

*Reappears on Earth a second before pulling the trigger*
-------------------------------------------------------

Friday · Jun 8, 2005

T'Bonz said:

Someone should tell Drudge, he's going to lose readership. People won't go to a place that screws up their computer.
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UGO, girl!

Lanzman · Jul 12, 2005

Muad Dib said:

Parents shouldn't be allowed to fart in the car with children, either.

When my brother-in-law was a kid, his Mom farted in the car one morning and caused him to throw up his Booberries.
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Now that's a fart.

Borgs · Jul 14, 2005

Re: NHL and NHLPA reach tentative deal

Clyde said:

The WWE on ice would be the zenith of homoerotic pseudo sports.
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Borgs · Jul 19, 2005

Re: Right Up Our Alley!

Dan Leach said:

you come across as a smug, superior twat.
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Storm said:

Everyone comes across as "superior" to you, for the same reason everyone comes across as "tall" to a circus midget.
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NAHTMMM · Jul 20, 2005

(Storm says each state should decide for itself whether to legalize abortion...)

phantomofthenet said:

That's what I thought. And think, actually.

California could use the additional tourist income from the trailer park states.
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Storm said:

"My parents went to California on vacation and all I got was my skull punctured by forceps and my brains sucked out with a surgical vaccuum, because I wasn't convenient. Oh, and a lousy t-shirt."

"California - two enter, one leaves."

"California: It's like Dachau for babies, only warmer.

"California: Over 1 billion severed."

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Shepherd said:

"California: Over 1 billion severed."
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that has the snappy tone that you hear in left wing protest chants. I like it!

How about "What's aborted in California, stays in California"?

Or is that too obvious?
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Borgs · Jul 21, 2005

Bulldog said:

* Bulldog begs for it
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NAHTMMM · Jul 25, 2005

Chaos Descending said:

So basically I am supposed to take you guys' word over the word of folks that were actually there and saw what happened?
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PGT said:

^ that is usually how we do it at the 'forge...
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NAHTMMM · Jul 26, 2005

On a related note...

Ancalagon said:

KatyJane said:

Hmmm, you don't supposed that some users might have a network of drug buddys and some might not... You guys are acting like everything is black and white and that you are right there for everyone else must be wrong.
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Welcome to WF!
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Borgs · Jul 27, 2005

Re: In Wordforge's Opinion...

Volpone said:

Meh. 'Shippers should be beaten regularly like gongs. Except for Sulu/Checkov 'shippers. They roxxor.
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NAHTMMM · Aug 4, 2005

Chris said:

Neutered Zone Refugee said:

Chris said:

"'Nice' Ann Coulter"
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Shut Up, you're a Catholic so change the thread to a little alter boy since that is what your kind go for.
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Options:
Correct Grammar
Berate Intelligence
Call Him On His Dodge
Insult His Maternal Ancestor <---
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[Note--thread title NZR refers to was "Could You Fall in Love with a Liberal". Also changed Chris's original italics to bold so it'd show up]

Borgs · Aug 6, 2005

Re: Neo-Cons the ultimate race baters.

Diacanu said:

No, you're thinking race BAITERS.

Race-bating is what Mewa does with his pee-pee to Jet magazine until it sneezes chocolate milk.
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Baba · Aug 14, 2005

MEWA HATES WHITEY.

NAHTMMM · Aug 23, 2005

PGT said:

We Are Borg said:

PGT said:

But there is such a thing as a coherent story and context. Antimatter bomb in scifi thriller - fine; antimatter bomb in book about 500 years of art history in Rome - not so sensible. Surely you can see the distinction? Dinosaurs? Cool in book about time travel, genetic experimentation. Not so cool in gritty detective novel set in present day New York. Everything has its place.
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I completely disagree.

What kind of sci-fi geek are you?!?!
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A mentally stable one?
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NAHTMMM · Oct 6, 2005

matthunter said:

FBI said:

Sorry. I just expected a real discussion here...
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God, you really are new, aren't you?
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NAHTMMM · Oct 6, 2005

CaptainChewbacca said:

Yes, this is totally inspired by the scifi universe "Alien Nation" which I think kicks ass.

Scenario: October 20th, 2005. Deep Space radar and NORAD start tracking a fast-moving object heading towards earth from deep space. Angle and speed indicate it is not a natural phenomena.

Its an alien spacecraft, a slave ship. Suffering critical reactor failure, the crew decides to preserve its precious cargo. They discharge the "main cargo section" and send up a beacon to their government. They try to repair the reactor, but it goes critical and destroys the beacon without any message being sent out.

The cargo section is almost 3 kilometers long and a kilometer along its other dimensions, and contains 300,000 slaves, 250,000 of which are adult males and females. It makes an automated, controlled descent and lands about 80 miles south of Chicago in a noisy and very public landing which is captured and broadcast live. No chance of coverup. The slaves slowly start coming out, there's a few overseers, but within an hour the military has locked down the site. The aliens learn quick, and grasp our language. They have no tech to trade, and are all laborers.

What happens? Do we offer these friendly bipedal aliens sanctuary? Are they interred? Nuked? What's the world's reaction to America gaining 300,000 extraterrestrial guests?
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Ramen said:

CaptainChewbacca said:

It makes an automated, controlled descent and lands about 80 miles south of Chicago...
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Mayor Richard Daley has them killed. The next election, they all vote Democrat.
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